I have lived in a walled city with no opening doors, until Wisdom found me. Little by little she painstakingly dismantled the fortified City walls until it collapsed placidly. As I heard the high walls crumbled to the ground and shattered into dust -- Alas, I cried out loud, “I’m free at last." Not knowing what to do, or where I go I asked myself -- "What road should I thread?" Shall I move straight ahead, or wait until I figured out the route. Like a lamb without a shepherd I ventured on my journey into the path of less traveled road.
The future's bleak and the road ahead is dark and murky. I was desperate to see my history before it ends on judgment day. I needed someone’s help. I was completely lost and I needed somebody who can guide me and teach me what life should be. So I asked the help of a friend. One day while I was in the boat fishing by the lake, Wisdom found me. She appeared to me and she told me that it was the best opportune time for me to rediscover and revivify my Catholic faith.
Looking back in history, I went to College in the year 1993, and I took Philosophy. I find philosophical studies quite hard and intoxicating. I was exposed to the different abstruse works of existentialist philosophers and atheists. Their great influence caused me to loss my faith but not abandoning my religion. A flaming sword pierced into my thirsting soul. Years later I became somewhat indifferent to my religious beliefs. It was an absurdity to embrace Atheism. But my rebellious tendencies and radical ideologies drove me far away from the Church. My College life gradually turned upside down, and I started to become bitter. As I moved along with my life, I experienced void and desolation. My despicable life and unrepented sins had brought forth a curse -- an illness that crippled my human spirit. In the year 2000, after a traumatic experience with the demonic I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia -- an incurable disease. "All the forces of hell were pressing on my shoulders", as Fr. John Corapi, SOLT noted. While demons manifested and continue to manifests in bodily form, they started to assault tormenting me with intimidation, harsh words, spiritual and physical afflictions, and innumerable accusations. A melancholic thought saddened me, God was no longer there to protect me. As God hid his face from me, the beacon of light fades away and total darkness has engulfed me.
Human life is simple. And it is fragile and short. While doing my yearly self-appraisal, I realized I had little time with my life. There were so many things I needed to accomplish. Some of those were forgotten dreams. “Will I succeed?” I asked myself. A little voice echoed low to my ears, “success is never ending, failure is never final.”
I guess life is very short for us to waste, and it gets shorter every day. So I have decided to treasure every relationship and value every person that comes my way. “Make it count,” the wise men said. “And live every moment of your life as if it was your last.” So I gathered my scattered thoughts and decided to pursue the things that matters most: love, faith, hope, humility, simplicity, trust, respect, friendship and fidelity, and the absolute truth that bothers me.
One day I went to a Chapel to pray. Before the Sacred Host I pondered on my inner thoughts, and later realized where I was then. I could hardly imagine how the truth can easily be subverted by some intellectuals like the Atheists. And it pains me to find out how I was blinded and deceived by my atheistic philosophies. How the devil concealed the truth for centuries. For years the truth was left unheard in many places where God weeps. While half-truths and lies were widespread across the world like a plague infecting every person's brain like a dreaded disease. Upon the other hand, the world is full of twist and uncertainties and most people care only about making profits. How to get wealthy, store (worldly) treasures, and control earth’s resources were often the objectives of many.
My pillow was soaked in tears while I chilled in the coldest nights. I wish I could cry and shed more tears. I wish I could cry for help. I wish I could cry for others too. I wish this crown of thorns will wither. I wish this wound will heal. I wish the devil would take back his curses, and make it void the spells he casts upon me.
The image of Christ in children working at the garbage mountain reveals how empty and desolate is my life. The precedence of moral indifference and hedonism has brought forth what seemingly a despicable unwanted life experiences. I was appalled by the horrifying condition of my life, henceforth I made a resolution -- that I will follow the path of truth and traverse where the devil fears to thread. I will join the fight for religious freedom. I will battle the war of the gods and men. I will fight the good fight. I will sail the seven seas. Climb the highest mountains. Cross the barren deserts. I will fly high above the clouds. And venture into deep space. In the vast horizon I will marvel at the beauty of God’s creation and explore the endless universe. There is no turning back here, and surrender is not an option.
But this crown of thorns has weakened me. As I lay in bed at night I dream, I dream I was a royal Knight who is attracted to Jesus Christ. One day, the King of Salem summoned me and asked me to serve him faithfully. But his eyes were sad and in a plaintive voice he spoke these words to me, “your close friend Chastity was raped and murdered by the enemy.” An ocean of tears dropped from my eyes as I was robbed of purity. Enraged I want to kill somebody, so I said I’ll join the fight today. Hoping to come back safe at night some soldiers lost their company. The battlefield was engulfed in thick smog. I could hardly see the enemy in front of me. While the hungry vultures gathered in one place, waiting for the opportunity to eat a dead man's body. Alas, I’ve seen the enemy. He’s laying dead and he looked just like me. But when I came to grab his sword, a burning arrow hit my breast. Then, I lost my consciousness. As I feel down I heard a voice…”wake up, wake up, you are not dead.” Above my head I saw a man in faded white tattered robe. I could barely see his face for now. His withered hands gently touched my wounded chest. He was a Knight just like me. But he was very old. He wore no armour, neither a helmet nor a sword. Then my memory flashed back at me -- I could hardly remember who I was, or where I was. Then I was taken aback of what I’ve witnessed next -- the old Knight held an ancient Bible in his hands and a blessed Crucifix on his chest. He was praying Latin in a little voice before whispering these words to me: “You need a Saviour, Son” he said. “Could you be my Saviour”, I replied. “Could you be the Messiah in disguise?”
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*Check out this video: Could You Be Messiah by Gary Valenciano
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